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thought dump

Date: June 12, 2019

Subject: wednesday


today was... not great. work was stressful. had like 4 bad encounters with bugs. my whole body hurts now because of how much physical labor i had to do. my self esteem is in the toilet.

after my dentist appointment, i feel even worse about myself than i did before. it's embarrassing. no wonder scott isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. my vagina doesn't work, my handjobs are mediocre, and my mouth is disgusting. every time i've tried to initiate something for the past... many months, it's gone nowhere. it's not like i'm a sex addict. i'm not really even interested in getting off. i just desperately want to have that intimacy with him. i want to know that he finds me attractive, i want to know that i'm capable of making him feel good. but apparently he doesn't, and apparently i'm not. maybe if i was functional. maybe if i wasn't trans. maybe if i could have afforded better healthcare throughout my life. maybe if i hadn't gained nearly ten pounds. he just isn't particularly affectionate with me, even in a non-sexual way, unless i initiate it, and then i feel like i'm being clingy.

this isn't what this entry was supposed to be about. i feel like shit for even thinking any of this, let alone typing it. but hey, no one is ever going to see this, as far as i know.

on a lighter note, we went and picked up the keys and garage door opener from rich this afternoon. we're going to be house-sitting for him while they're out of state. i'm looking forward to that, because it's a reason to be out of my own house, but also because they have dogs and goddamn do i love dogs. sansa is the sweetest baby i've ever met, so i'm looking forward to spending a weekend with her. and that means mads and i will have plenty of time together, which i'm really looking forward to. rich was nice enough to treat us to dinner, even if it was at a sub-par mexican restaurant and he ordered enchilads for all of us because they're cheap. but hey, i can't complain. it's not like we have any food in the house right now. mads and i have been dead broke for like 2 weeks now. it's been rough. one night we just had ramen for dinner. another night it was cereal. thank god we both get paid on friday. i don't know what we'd do otherwise.

scott's about to get out of the shower, so i guess i'm done here. maybe i'll talk to him. but i probably won't.

Date: June 4, 2019

Subject: quiet


i had a fucked up dream about my dad. it wasn't even, like, a weird nightmare. it was just the nurse at stroud telling me that he's not going to recover, that he's going to have to live in nursing care for the rest of his life. it was awful.
i'm having to accept that he isn't going to be the same again. he won't be himself, not fully. i just have to enjoy the times in which he's lucid. but i also have to accept that even if he does recover from this, he could easily have another stroke. i could lose him at any time. it's fucking terrifying. i miss him so much. i miss being able to talk to him. it seems like he only understands maybe 60% of what i say. i miss him talking about politics, or about music, or his past. i miss just goofing around with him. i wish i could go see him more often, but even just going once totally fucked us on gas and now we're broke. i hate it. i know he's getting better care there, but i really wish he was closer.

Date: June 2, 2019

Subject: 1:57 am


apparently pat's favorite bird is the chickadee. that's really fucking cute to me for some reason. i can't blame him; i'm also big fond of round fluffy birds. they're precious. although i always love to see a really fat pigeon.

i definitely shouldn't be up this late, but here i am!! i'm supposed to wake up early, pick mads up, and go out to stroud to see dad. i think i'm just procrastinating because i'm scared of what shape he's going to be in when i get there. like somehow by staying up later, i'm prolonging the time until i get there. i don't know. i'm trying not to dwell on it because i know if i dwell, i'm just gonna completely flip out.

on a lighter note, today was really good. i woke up early with madison, we went and got taco bell breakfast, dropped by cheap thrills. surprisingly, they didn't have any duran duran merchandise for a change. but the most exciting thing is that i remembered i finally have vision insurance and i got glasses i really love! for $25 total! they look great and they make me feel more masculine than my last pair did. honestly, they look a lot like pat's, which i wasn't thinking of when i picked them but i def won't complain about it. then we went to pet smart for wurm's food, drove around a little, came home, hung out a while, then went down to madilyn's for her to do mads' makeup. she did SUCH a good job with it. but, while we were there, dad (youtube dad, not real dad) did a livestream. it was cool to actually be a part of one while it was happening. i donated $4 because it was kind of the most i could do. mads left for her dad, madi and i lazed around, then we went to the mall. she had to pick a couple of things up from sephora, and then we just fucked around for a while. we ended up getting dinner from eggroll express, then coming home and watching a bunch of yt garbage. she liked the r&l edits i showed her, which was nice. ysl does really good work, and her use of the crop zoom is excellent. i want really badly to like videogamedunkey but a lot of his stuff is really offensive. naturally i can't tell madilyn, because she adores him, but some of it makes me pretty uncomfortable.

came home, worked on the dad site for a while. watched a bunch of gill and gilbert. fixed this site up a little. now i guess i'm gonna go to sleep? i don't know. i always have a hard time sleeping when mads isn't here, but whatever. ughughghghhgughgh whatever okay good night